10 Things I will Never Do (even though they may be fun)

I am not really known as the adventurous type. That being said, I will occasionally move outside my comfort zone and do risky and fun things, but there is an invisible circle of protection that I harbor around myself so that I do not end up as laughing fodder for everyone on Darwin's List.

So what are my 10 Things??:

1. Skydive--This is something my wife wants to do because either she has lost all common sense or has an extreme hate for staying planted on the ground. For me, this is akin to letting gravity say to you: "Sure, you will fall at a constant rate, and if I have my way it will be constant until you hit the flipping ground with a loud thud". I have told my wife she is more than free to fall from the sky at gravity's will while I watch from the very stationary ground sipping tea and listening to the Black Crowes.

2. Buy a Harley--In my mind, you need to look like you can kill someone when sitting on your Harley while at the same time look mean and tough in a red bandanna and leather. If you have ever seen me you will note that I look like I may be able to hold my own against a squirrel, with most bets going to the one who collects nuts for a living. Put a red bandanna on me and now I am looking like an anemic version or Ralph Macchio waxing on and waxing off with about as much confidence as a shivering chihuahua. Add leather to this mix and I am sure there is a Revenge of the Nerds scene in there somewhere! My wife wants a Harley really bad. I might let her get one as long as she promises not to get a tattoo that says 'Mother' and at least shaves her legs once in awhile.

3. Enter a Pie Eating Contest-- Have you seen 'Stand By Me' ? That ruined it for me...sorry pie eaters!

4. Watch Mama Mia again-- Every woman I know has talked about this movie like it was some theatrical revolution similar to having sound put into movies. For me, the only revolution that came about was that I am certainly a man with no predisposition to think otherwise. This movie nearly sucked all the testosterone flowing through me through my eyes and ears. I really do love ABBA, but this to me really felt like the Dementor of all musicals and I had no magical spell like Harry Potter to ward off the estrogen onslaught I was facing. With about 45 minutes left to go in this battle for my right to wear a jock-strap, I saw my manhood quietly slipping away toward the family room door as if to say "Sorry man, I can't do this, you're killing me here dude!" I left my wife alone on the couch and trail of Raisenets behind me as I chased after the last vestiges of my maleness out the door.

5. Be on a game show--I have a bazillion pieces of useless information in my head. I am quite certain that I could win something like Jeopardy or Millionaire, but under pressure my mind goes into total vapor-lock. Everything I know that matters the least is there at my disposal when I least need it...and that is the problem. When I need information the most I sort of go all zombie and drool until several days later when I actually remember the answer to the question I was asked...which at that point the information is again...useless.

6. Dance--Dancing is fun, unless you have to dance with a white stick with an over-bite (me). Maybe I am being too hard on myself here but I have seen pictures of me dancing that have made me cry...not doing it again...sorry!

7. Bungee Jump--This is right up there with Sky-Diving. You have that whole gravity conversation about falling at a constant rate only now you are telling gravity that you have a really big rubber band and "So take that gravity...you suckeh!" The bad part is that sometimes there is a little miscalculation in the gravity to rubber band length ratio. When that happens gravity wins and you go THUD!

8. Swim with Sharks--Do I EVEN need to explain this one?? I do? Ok, Teeth...lots of teeth...oh and the teeth are razor sharp and there are like 36 sets of them. Maybe this makes me less of a man. If so, I blame that on having to watch Mama Mia.

9. Be a good cook--Much to the disappointment of my wonderful wife, this is just not going to happen. I seem to lack a certain amount of patience when it comes to cooking. I also seem to lack desire, wherewithal, creativity, interest, and likely a multitude of other things that are needed to make something as simple as apple pie or cookies. I am all thumbs in the kitchen and honestly I just want to eat the stuff, not prepare it!

10. Work in fast food again--I made a solemn vow that I would never, ever go back to working at burger joints. So much trauma happens at these places, most of which would horrify you. I have been sauced, punched, taunted, teased, fried, sliced, diced, dumped, and poisoned and my dog ate my Arby's tie because it smelled like roast beef. I have seen things that happen behind the counter that no human should ever know regarding food preparation. Yet, like Pavlov's dog, I go back and eat at these joints from time to time, but may the Good Lord strike me down if I ever have to work at one again. Will I let my kids work at one??? HECK YEAH!!! How else will they toughen up and know that the only worse job is in sanitation??? (I kid, I kid...sort of)

So, what are your 10 things???

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10 Things I will Never Do (even though they may be fun)

Paul Jones